Beating myself up!

The other day my best friend slapped at my hand and said “Don’t bite!  Why do you do that?”

It was true:  my until recently lovely nails were all bitten to the quick.  Why indeed?

I looked across at my husband and said, “Self-flagellation?”  He just smiled sadly at me. 

It’s true that it’s self-flagellation.  I realised I have been telling myself that when the current stressful situation with Ryx eases, I will do something about my nails.  Until then, I must punish myself. 

I realised I have been telling myself that when I can start losing my excess 20 or so kilos, I will do something about my nails.  Until then, I must punish myself.

I realised I have been telling myself that when the house is clean and tidy and I am on top of everything in my life, I will do something about my nails.  Until then, I must punish myself.

This is a long-standing thing for me.  I was a thumb-sucker.  When I was five, my mother put a huge wad of bandages around my thumb to stop me sucking.  I continued to stick my massive, swollen thumb in my mouth, much to her dismay!

By the time I was six, I was biting my nails.  I was never able to grow them throughout my childhood or teens.  It’s worst when I’m reading or watching TV, as my mind is elsewhere completely.

My mother threatened to “send me away to boarding school” (a concept which terrified me!) if I didn’t stop biting.  My grandmother offered me money to grow my nails.  Nothing worked!

I was even sitting in a class in high school during quiet reading time, and didn’t realise I was gnawing at my nails until the girl beside me got up and moved away to another desk – how embarrassing! But I still couldn’t stop.

I will still biting them in my twenties when I met the Kiwi.   He loathes it – in fact, I’m surprised it wasn’t a deal-breaker.  Somehow, despite it, he still married me!

Now and then I have had acrylic nails attached – sometimes with great difficulty because they are hard to get on when my nails are so short!  These are successful while they are on, and if I keep them infilled regularly, I don’t bite them.  But when they come off, my nails are brittle and bitten again within days.

A couple of years ago, a woman gave me this tip: Keep one nail to bite, and grow the others.  With the help of Dr Le Winn’s Revitanail, I was actually successful in growing my nails for a couple of years. But then... an increase in stress in my life!  My lovely nails got tattered and bitten, one by one.

I am an anxious person and usually my anxieties manifest themselves in an inability to sleep in the early hours.  I know my nailbiting habit is another manifestation of anxiety.

Paul said to the Philippians (4:6-7): Do not worry about anything; instead, pray about everything! Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

This is easier said than done – don’t you think?  I do pray about my worries, but have trouble giving the outcome over to God.  But there it is, in the Bible – God says not to worry!  Am I actually sinning by worrying?  Perhaps not, but I do know it is wasteful of my precious time on earth to worry. 

At 3.00am tomorrow morning when I am lying awake fretting, I think I will try and remember to read over that scripture, then give my problems to God.  I’ll let you know if it works.

And then I’ll work on growing my nails again - I don't need to keep beating myself up with worry!